THAT’S RIGHT, SHRIMP COCKTAIL
There comes a point in a man’s life when enough is just about goddamn enough. A time when any and all bullshit needs to be categorized as such and set aside as appropriate.
Oh, you didn’t get all LOL and OMG by EOD? Well, fuck you. I’m a man. The trash is at the curb isn’t it? Those logs are split and stacked aren’t they? The lawn? Don’t even talk about the lawn until you learn something about dedication and respect. While you figure that shit out, Junior, I’m going to have a shrimp cocktail.
That’s right, a shrimp cocktail.
Don’t trip over your pecker, you’ll need that someday. And it doesn’t mix with feet—no matter what you’ve seen on the internet. And take your bullshit phone with you. Fuck it, take mine too. Sometimes a man needs to be alone with his thoughts… and some shrimp. And some good cocktail sauce.
Nothing pisses in the eye of modernity like a sturdy and well-enduring classic. And nothing new will ever beat shrimp cocktail. That’s right. Whoever the old lady was that put horseradish in her ketchup and then decided to put shrimp in that concoction already has you beat. Might as well just stay in bed—only problem is, then you won’t get your shrimp cocktail.
The main benefit to making this at home is that you can consume an appropriate amount of shrimp, say 20-30. In better restaurants you’re lucky to get 8. The other main benefit is that you can customize your amount of horseradish, which should be somewhere just south of nasal inferno. Make it, eat it, get back to the grind.
2 lbs large shrimp, cleaned and deveined but still in shell
1 head garlic
2 bay leaves
1 bunch parsley stems
a few sprigs of thyme
Freshly grated horseradish
4 habaneros, finely diced
Coarse grated black pepper
Make the court bouillon and keep it at a steady boil for 45 minutes. As you do, mix the cocktail sauce—combine the horseradish, habaneros, black pepper and vinegar and macerate for about 30 minutes. Then add all other ingredients. It’s a process of little dashes and adjustments but you want a lot of horseradish and a lot of black pepper. Turn off the heat on the court boullion and add the shrimp. Poach them till they’re just fully cooked and no longer translucent, about 1-2 minutes. Remove them and shock them in the ice bath. Chill them and the cocktail sauce in the fridge until ready to eat.